My Top 5 Simon Munnery gags

Simon Munnery, born in Middlesex 47 years ago, is a Sony Radio award winning comedian and Perrier award nominee. Catch him performing live on Friday the 11th of September at Banksy's Dismaland in Weston-super-Mare. Here are 5 of his best gags...

5) "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle."

4) "I never know what to say after sex. I feel thank you is too much, but sorry is not enough."

3) "Plato said the unexamined life is not worth living - but how would he know?"

2) "Cleanliness is next to Godliness. And the chip shop is next to the hairdressers. It doesn't persuade me to visit either."

1) "If you only ever read one book in your life... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut!"

I Wish I Had Said That

5 Witty Quips for you to re-cycle time and time again...

1) "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)
2) "I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them." (Steve Martin)
3) "Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes." (Billy Connolly)
4) "There are only two things in this world. People who are intolerant to other people's cultures and The Dutch (Micheal Caine) 
5) "I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years." (Victoria Wood)
6) "I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It's absolutely tiny. You couldn't swing a cat in there." (Tim Vine)

And It's Hello From Me

Allo Allo, I am Simone Hoffs - the thief of bad gags - here to entertain you.

This month there was a lorra lorra tears as we all waved goodbye to the amazing Cilla Black.

Sober or pissed Our Cilla will be sorely missed. 

In the 1960s and 70s Cilla Black not only worked with Pete & Dud, but also... Lennon & McCartney, Burt Bacherach, Cliff Richard, and Marc Bolan. However, she's best known for her work in the 80s hosting Blind Date...

Apparently when Cilla arrived in Heaven and got to the pearly gates the first thing Saint Peter said was: "What's your name and where do you come from?"

Cilla was a huge star in London, Liverpool and Los Angeles but not everywhere - in Hawaii for example they like to honour Lulu.